Computer Problems

Darkomen · 10-14-2005, 03:41 PM

I got a laugh out of this, hope you do too

Computer problems

"Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[Pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[Muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[Still muffled] "I can't reach it."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[Clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I kept them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"
[Slam]

4W4K3 · 10-14-2005, 03:53 PM

That's pretty funny

I think I would have probably said the same thing...

randruff · 10-14-2005, 04:21 PM

That is funny. I love the ending.

4W4K3 · 10-14-2005, 04:22 PM

I jsut noticed your sig Darkomen, that is also a hilarious joke

dragon2309 · 10-14-2005, 04:36 PM

lol, classic, really funny

**Cromewell** · 10-14-2005, 05:37 PM

There was a whole website full of these stories. http://www.phonelosers.org/tech_support.html this isn't it but they have some audio clips of tech support calls.

This isn't is either http://www.computerpranks.com/jokes/...Category1ID=32 but they have a few stories too.

Darkomen · 10-14-2005, 07:11 PM

HAHA awesome, those audio clips are great.

super_xero · 10-14-2005, 07:16 PM

heheheeh thats funny is it real

Darkomen · 10-14-2005, 10:46 PM

They might be, but I'm not sure

Another Joke, or rather Jokes. Yeah they aren't that great, some of them are funny though.

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until 2008.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

skidude · 10-14-2005, 11:11 PM

Lol love that story man, that is awesome!

10-14-2005, 03:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
Darkomen Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: USA Posts: 34	Computer Problems - A joke I got a laugh out of this, hope you do too Computer problems "Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" [Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea prompt?" [Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen." "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." [Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator? "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." [Pause] "Yes, it is." [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [Muffled] "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [Still muffled] "I can't reach it." "Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [Clear again] "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I kept them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!" [Slam] __________________ A customer comes into the computer store. He says "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"

10-14-2005, 03:53 PM	#2 (permalink)
4W4K3 VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Lewisville, TX Age: 21 Posts: 6,986	That's pretty funny I think I would have probably said the same thing... __________________ My Computer I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.

10-14-2005, 04:21 PM	#3 (permalink)
randruff Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: 30 min south of iraq....oops....Detroit. Age: 28 Posts: 742	That is funny. I love the ending. __________________ Asus A8N SLI Deluxe AMD Athlon 64 3500+ Venice 2GB OCZ Platinum PC3200 - Dual Channel 2x WD 74GB Raptor 10,000RPM - RAID 0 eVGA geForce 7800GTX Sound Blaster Audigy 2 ZS Logitech Z-5500 Digital THX 5.1 1010W 19' Samsung 915N 8ms Raidmax 520W PSU

10-14-2005, 04:22 PM	#4 (permalink)
4W4K3 VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Lewisville, TX Age: 21 Posts: 6,986	I jsut noticed your sig Darkomen, that is also a hilarious joke __________________ My Computer I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.

10-14-2005, 04:36 PM	#5 (permalink)
dragon2309 P.I Dragon Join Date: May 2005 Location: KENT, UK Age: 21 Posts: 8,735	lol, classic, really funny __________________ Intel Core2Duo E6600 @ 3.1Ghz - (__CPU__) eVGA 680i SLi - (__MOB__) 4Gb Corsair Dominator DDR2-800 (4x1024Mb) - (__RAM__) 250Gb Western Digital SATAII 7200rpm - (__HDD__) nVidia BFG 8800GTS OC 320Mb - (__GFX__) LG DVD+/-RW 18x DVD-RAM - (__OPT__) Triple Boot - [XP Pro] + [Vista Ultimate] + [Ubuntu 7.10] - (__OS__) [3DMARK'03 :: 25,587] --- [3DMARK'05 :: 13,989] --- [3DMARK'06 :: 8791] - (__BENCHMARKS__) dragon2309.co.uk - a little slice of geek

10-14-2005, 05:37 PM	#6 (permalink)
Cromewell Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Canada Age: 26 Posts: 11,802	There was a whole website full of these stories. http://www.phonelosers.org/tech_support.html this isn't it but they have some audio clips of tech support calls. This isn't is either http://www.computerpranks.com/jokes/...Category1ID=32 but they have a few stories too. __________________ You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in command here. www.userfriendly.org

10-14-2005, 07:11 PM	#7 (permalink)
Darkomen Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: USA Posts: 34	HAHA awesome, those audio clips are great. __________________ A customer comes into the computer store. He says "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"

10-14-2005, 07:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
super_xero Diamond Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 1,307	heheheeh thats funny is it real

10-14-2005, 10:46 PM	#9 (permalink)
Darkomen Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: USA Posts: 34	They might be, but I'm not sure Another Joke, or rather Jokes. Yeah they aren't that great, some of them are funny though. Types of computer viruses Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until 2008. Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years. __________________ A customer comes into the computer store. He says "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?" Last edited by Darkomen; 10-14-2005 at 10:54 PM.

10-14-2005, 11:11 PM	#10 (permalink)
skidude Diamond Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Orono, Maine Age: 20 Posts: 5,163	Lol love that story man, that is awesome! __________________ Asus EeePC / Laptop CPU- Intel Celeron M 900MHz / Intel Core 2 Quad Q9550 2.8 GHz Video- Intel GMA 900 / 2x 8800M GTX SLI Memory- 1GB DDR2 / 4GB DDR2800 Hard Drives- 16GB SSD / 2x 320GB 5400RPM (RAID 0) Mobo- Asus EeePC / Sager NP9262 "In These Lowly Halls / No Moon Will Beam, No Sun Will Shine / In These Narrow Rooms / No Tears Are Seen, No Laughter Heard" --- Insomnium ---

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode