My teenage daughter has been having some issues lately with racy pictures and me finding black and mild cigars in her room. She is constantly on her smart phone and playing online on the PC, mostly facebook and you tube. Can anyone recommend a good, virus free, invisible program? I would mostly like to get her passwords and monitor pictures and emails so maybe a key logger of some sort. The tobacco, half naked pics, and pics of little thugged out boys has gotten to be too much. Free is always good but I don't mind paying if it keeps away the viruses and spyware. Running invisible is important too. She has proven I can't trust her completely so I want to know she is safe and not doing anything too stupid. Thanks for any help or suggestions.
Advice on monitoring teen on home PC
- Thread starter saulat_99
- Start date
blondie101010
New Member
I'm not going to tell you how to parent, but I think you should consider some things:
Secretly monitoring your daughter's computer with a keylogger isn't exactly trust-building, neh? If she sees that you don't trust her, then why should she trust you?
Just my thoughts.
As for my own children, I use a firewall appliance built from an old desktop running Smoothwall Express with Dansguardian content filtering.
I know where my kids are going online via the firewall logs and I have most downloads and bad sites blocked. The kids know that I can see where they are going, generally what's allowed and not, and I don't have to hack their computers to do it.
Secretly monitoring your daughter's computer with a keylogger isn't exactly trust-building, neh? If she sees that you don't trust her, then why should she trust you?
Just my thoughts.
As for my own children, I use a firewall appliance built from an old desktop running Smoothwall Express with Dansguardian content filtering.
I know where my kids are going online via the firewall logs and I have most downloads and bad sites blocked. The kids know that I can see where they are going, generally what's allowed and not, and I don't have to hack their computers to do it.
ScOuT
VIP Member
I have a 14 year old daughter myself...I am also worried about what she can be exposed to on the internet. My wife and I have made some rules with her. We sat down and talked it over and came to an agreement.
1. I bought her a nice Dell custom laptop for her birthday. She understands that it can be taken away from her at anytime if used improperly.
2. My wife has access to her Facebook, email and chat accounts. She does not spy on her per say...but kinda like a moderator. My wife will tell her she is going to check her accounts...my daughter knows it is part of the rules and has no issue with it. My daughter will ask my wife to look at pictures before she posts them or if she has any general questions about her account. My wife is the approving authority for anything including friends requests.
The best way is to have a completely open relationship and all come to an understanding. We don't spy or hack her laptop or accounts...she understands we are concerned and want to keep her safe. This is also teaching her life lessons about rules and communication. You have to set rules and enforce them if needed. They are only kids remember! I am sure someday she will have children and completely understand.
Have you tried just sitting down, making a hot chocolate and talking about it?
1. I bought her a nice Dell custom laptop for her birthday. She understands that it can be taken away from her at anytime if used improperly.
2. My wife has access to her Facebook, email and chat accounts. She does not spy on her per say...but kinda like a moderator. My wife will tell her she is going to check her accounts...my daughter knows it is part of the rules and has no issue with it. My daughter will ask my wife to look at pictures before she posts them or if she has any general questions about her account. My wife is the approving authority for anything including friends requests.
The best way is to have a completely open relationship and all come to an understanding. We don't spy or hack her laptop or accounts...she understands we are concerned and want to keep her safe. This is also teaching her life lessons about rules and communication. You have to set rules and enforce them if needed. They are only kids remember! I am sure someday she will have children and completely understand.
Have you tried just sitting down, making a hot chocolate and talking about it?
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Well she is a step daughter and I am fairly new in the house. She has a lot of freedom and a nice phone. We have already accidentally found things that say she is breaking our trust. I would take spying over a pregnant teen any day. We are going to talk to her today also but I know how bad I was when I was her age and do not want to see her make the same mistakes. If she wants to show responsibility after we talk that is good but I want to know that she is deserving the nice phone, freedom, and not too far off a car. She is basically a good kid but has way too much free time and there isn't much to do about that right now for various reasons. I may even tell her we will be monitoring the computer but she has her data phone as well.
Ryan_Fpv
New Member
You can't [or at least ethically shouldn't] put a keylogger on a computer that isn't your property. How would you like it if your new wife decided she couldn't trust you and put a keylogger on your computer and started reading all of your emails and such? I'm not saying you have anything to hide, but it's not nice having someone read your diary.
My future wife asked me to monitor the computers. One of which is mine and the other of which is hers. I see no ethical dilemma because the 14 year old has already violated our trust. If we can't provide sufficient monitoring because she has a smart phone and unlimited computer access then I see an issue. I can't compete with her friends, facebook, and the muscled teenage boys sending her pictures. Our bill showed she spent 42 hours last month on the cell phone, as far as I know I don't have a way of controlling that. Fiance works 3rds and is asleep half the day while I am at school and we have 2 younger kids as well so juggling this situation isn't very easy. I was smart enough to get around things when I was young so I'd like to give her the same credit and make sure she is safe while preventing her from knowing that I am watching. I feel like we are way off topic now, there are differences in how me and mom want to deal with her and taking the cell phone isn't feasable because of that. There is so much technology around in current day that trying to limit her access seems more difficult than silently watching. I am trying to get my fiance to wake up so we can talk with her now but the amount of trust I have in her really depends on how she handles this talk and behaves in the future.
powerpack
banned
saulat since you brought it up and it is in the open you might get some opinions you don't like.
Key logging her while not maybe illegal is less than honest and you want trust from her? What is it do as I say not as I do. I recognize your legitimate right to want to protect but keystroke is just over board. Even and actually especially a teenager needs some privacy. It is very much like reading her diary and that is generally considered not acceptable unless circumstance that might involve her being a danger to herself. And that does not include going to a kegger or messing with boys.
I am further troubled by what sounds like, even if not your recent appearance on scene your for certain soon to be new new role. I think your computer and want to key log fine but tell her to consider nothing she does on it private? That would be fine. Further your concerns because of what you did and got away with is hardly fair. You are taking short cuts. Parenting involves work. Children make mistakes that is one way they learn.
I would ask how are her grades. What kind of social group does she hang with? Does she have a drug problem? And no experimentation is not what I mean. Always being right matters with work. Knowing everything about fixing your car, building a garage is good. Being that way with parenting is not realistic or good. It is not even good in a relationship.
Before you jump in with these extreme measures work with the situation, why don't you try and build trust with her? I know it takes time. You want to identify symptoms not address the problem. I have concern this is more for your convenience and piece of mind, control than the best way of addressing the issues.
You mentioned what you got away with? Did you turn out that bad? Why does she have to be perfect?
Blast me if you want I don't care you posted. I have major concerns with many things you say. She is not a math equation to be figured out she is a teenager. Also if you are so worried there are places to get professional help. I have major doubts about your capabilities from your posting. Consider that.
Sorry and good luck. If you come from a place of concern and not control consider openness not control. And nothing wrong with professional guidance for all concerned.
Key logging her while not maybe illegal is less than honest and you want trust from her? What is it do as I say not as I do. I recognize your legitimate right to want to protect but keystroke is just over board. Even and actually especially a teenager needs some privacy. It is very much like reading her diary and that is generally considered not acceptable unless circumstance that might involve her being a danger to herself. And that does not include going to a kegger or messing with boys.
I am further troubled by what sounds like, even if not your recent appearance on scene your for certain soon to be new new role. I think your computer and want to key log fine but tell her to consider nothing she does on it private? That would be fine. Further your concerns because of what you did and got away with is hardly fair. You are taking short cuts. Parenting involves work. Children make mistakes that is one way they learn.
I would ask how are her grades. What kind of social group does she hang with? Does she have a drug problem? And no experimentation is not what I mean. Always being right matters with work. Knowing everything about fixing your car, building a garage is good. Being that way with parenting is not realistic or good. It is not even good in a relationship.
Before you jump in with these extreme measures work with the situation, why don't you try and build trust with her? I know it takes time. You want to identify symptoms not address the problem. I have concern this is more for your convenience and piece of mind, control than the best way of addressing the issues.
You mentioned what you got away with? Did you turn out that bad? Why does she have to be perfect?
Blast me if you want I don't care you posted. I have major concerns with many things you say. She is not a math equation to be figured out she is a teenager. Also if you are so worried there are places to get professional help. I have major doubts about your capabilities from your posting. Consider that.
Sorry and good luck. If you come from a place of concern and not control consider openness not control. And nothing wrong with professional guidance for all concerned.
Its complicated but I think we have a solution. We have given her total freedom and technology, doing things backwards. We are going to limit most of her ability to get in trouble and let her earn some responsibility. Monitoring a teen does seem sort of pointless when she needs to grow up and make her own decisions. I still think looking and seeing what we may have to contend with is a good idea but we will ask to see her phone tomorrow.
apj101
VIP Member
what a dilemma to be in. the temptation to monitor must be so huge! and at 14 is wrong that she should be getting naked pics/ doing tobacco
lets be honest though....by 16/18 its would be strange if she wasn't doing those things or at least trying them.
Am not sure where i stand on the keylogging, it is essential that she feel she has restrictions, but also trust.
That's a fact.
... unless her dad is undermining your efforts by paying off her phone. That's where my sister had problems with her daughter.
I think the main issue is that she is generally a good kid and decently intelligent however there has never been a man in the house. She has had total freedom and is spoiled by the mom with a smart phone, big LCD tv in her room, unrestricted computer, and things like that. She is at the age where curiosity and exploration come up and I completely agree that openness and honesty is the proper way to raise a child. This is made difficult because I am not great at connecting, I am new, she spends all her time in her room or on the phone, mom sleeps all day, there is a 6 year old and 16 month old to take care of, relationship stress with me and mom, and my school. Friends are a big influence at that age and her taste in music is not a good influence either. She also has boys calling and when she was grounded last year we saw some pics on the phone and there hasn't been any nudity but tank top, booty shorts, and butt up in the air is pretty close or the topless pic with bags of candy covering her boobs. She has also been allowed to go to these teen parties where police provide security but its all teens dancing and such. I think these freedoms need limited and earned and she has to understand where to go in life. I am fine with her experimenting but if she is not goal directed toward the future in our economy college will determine social status. It is a chore to get the mom to do anything but I can't complain because the financial stress is mostly on her and she works 3rds, its an uphill battle. I don't want to constantly monitor her but until we have trust and acceptable freedom in place I think it is important for us to get a slice of what is going on in her emails, facebook, ect. Not many 14 year olds are prepared to talk about sex and trying pot or whatever, I would like an open relationship like that because I fought for that when I was a teen and my mom was resistant. Hope everything works out but thanks everyone for the help and sorry for getting into an ethics conversation.
I'll chime in here as well.
First off, I think a keylogger is a VERY bad idea. IMO that is crossing the line, at least if she doesn't know about it.
She is at the age where she is going to do these sorts of things. Unless you take her to and from school every day and then keep her locked in a metal cage with only food and water - it's going to happen. Any and all severe controlling behavior on the part of the parents is only going to make things worse. In that case, odds are great that she will do worse things than she normally would have, out of spite or simply to make herself feel better. Also, she will likely develop a sneaky attitude about it and shut herself off from you. Not exactly good for trust, on both sides. Like other people said, openness is the key.
That said, I understand where you're coming from. These days, it seems like all parents of teenage daughters are continually holding their breath, praying to god that their daughter won't get pregnant. It's like one giant lottery and some people's numbers come up and some don't. Just realize that she will be having sex and will be smoking pot. With that knowledge, you can plan accordingly in helping to prevent her from getting pregnant and developing a drug problem, a far cry from an occasional hit or two at a party.
I hope my first is a son. When he gets to be that age, racy pictures of girls won't be a big deal. Unless they're cougars.
First off, I think a keylogger is a VERY bad idea. IMO that is crossing the line, at least if she doesn't know about it.
She is at the age where she is going to do these sorts of things. Unless you take her to and from school every day and then keep her locked in a metal cage with only food and water - it's going to happen. Any and all severe controlling behavior on the part of the parents is only going to make things worse. In that case, odds are great that she will do worse things than she normally would have, out of spite or simply to make herself feel better. Also, she will likely develop a sneaky attitude about it and shut herself off from you. Not exactly good for trust, on both sides. Like other people said, openness is the key.
That said, I understand where you're coming from. These days, it seems like all parents of teenage daughters are continually holding their breath, praying to god that their daughter won't get pregnant. It's like one giant lottery and some people's numbers come up and some don't. Just realize that she will be having sex and will be smoking pot. With that knowledge, you can plan accordingly in helping to prevent her from getting pregnant and developing a drug problem, a far cry from an occasional hit or two at a party.
I hope my first is a son. When he gets to be that age, racy pictures of girls won't be a big deal. Unless they're cougars.
lucasbytegenius
Well-Known Member
I'm still a teen myself, but let me point some things out here:
First off, keylogger discussion is against the rules on this forum.
Second, I think it's a very bad idea as well, she already distrusts you it sounds like, seeing as she's doing this stuff, and she would discover that something's amiss when you seem to suddenly know everything and then she'll distrust you all the more and it'll end up very bad.
I suggest you guys go and get counseling, talk through your issues, and build up a trusting relationship with your daughter.
First off, keylogger discussion is against the rules on this forum.
Second, I think it's a very bad idea as well, she already distrusts you it sounds like, seeing as she's doing this stuff, and she would discover that something's amiss when you seem to suddenly know everything and then she'll distrust you all the more and it'll end up very bad.
I suggest you guys go and get counseling, talk through your issues, and build up a trusting relationship with your daughter.
Sorry, I didn't realize this discussion was against forum rules...
I think some people took this a little too strongly and as I was getting in a lot of trouble at her age and my mother actually set up a tape recorder on our home phone, I completely understand the need for privacy. At the same time I think that there are situations that could warrant this type of thing but that I was jumping the gun before talking with her. I am not good at trusting people and relating especially with teenage girls however I completely agree that honesty and openness are essential, but so is time and engaging with the person. I went from 0 to 3 kids and pretty busy and stressed so this is difficult for me. I made her aware that I need to be able to trust her and that if I can't have a discussion with her then I may be forced to monitor her because there are things that I should know as a parent. And, as someone that did more bad things than most I never intended on forming a military order in the household. Frankly I don't care what she does if she is safe and not ruining her life in too obvious a way. Talking seems to have worked in this case and will hopefully be a step in the right direction.
Essentially we all talked, we questioned her about the issues, she gave reasonable explanations and actually wasn't really doing anything wrong, and texted her mom how she hates me, never liked me, and doesn't want to talk to me. The cigars were left from a cousin in her moms car a long time ago which is true and she said she was playing with them emptying the tobacco and trying to fit it back in. The raciest pic was actually taken by her 6 year old brother which brings up some other issues... And her tardiness at school she said she will correct which was an issue last year with truancy court, the only trouble I am aware she has ever been in. So, situation resolved and she'll eventually get over me questioning her when I have a concern and hopefully be able to trust me if the need arises.
I think some people took this a little too strongly and as I was getting in a lot of trouble at her age and my mother actually set up a tape recorder on our home phone, I completely understand the need for privacy. At the same time I think that there are situations that could warrant this type of thing but that I was jumping the gun before talking with her. I am not good at trusting people and relating especially with teenage girls however I completely agree that honesty and openness are essential, but so is time and engaging with the person. I went from 0 to 3 kids and pretty busy and stressed so this is difficult for me. I made her aware that I need to be able to trust her and that if I can't have a discussion with her then I may be forced to monitor her because there are things that I should know as a parent. And, as someone that did more bad things than most I never intended on forming a military order in the household. Frankly I don't care what she does if she is safe and not ruining her life in too obvious a way. Talking seems to have worked in this case and will hopefully be a step in the right direction.
Essentially we all talked, we questioned her about the issues, she gave reasonable explanations and actually wasn't really doing anything wrong, and texted her mom how she hates me, never liked me, and doesn't want to talk to me. The cigars were left from a cousin in her moms car a long time ago which is true and she said she was playing with them emptying the tobacco and trying to fit it back in. The raciest pic was actually taken by her 6 year old brother which brings up some other issues... And her tardiness at school she said she will correct which was an issue last year with truancy court, the only trouble I am aware she has ever been in. So, situation resolved and she'll eventually get over me questioning her when I have a concern and hopefully be able to trust me if the need arises.
Please don't start insulting me when I haven't shown any disrespect toward you. I don't know what your talking about - "you say all she does wrong" when did I say that? I never said everything she does is wrong. I also talked with her and told her I want good things for her and I am not trying to force myself into her life but I need to be able to talk with her if I have a concern. How does this make me a jerk? She has nearly total freedom as evidenced by her 42 hours of cell phone talk, frequently getting rides places, and letting her friend's come over often. No I am not going to let her start smoking cigars or drinking without have some sort of conversation with her, again I don't see the issue here.