post your computer jokes here!

[compaqman]

Here i will start out:

Ways to tell if a redneck works at a computer at your
Home/Office!


1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

4. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU

5. The password is, "Bubba."

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

7. NRA mousepad on desk, next to the Bible.

8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.

10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read to fast.

11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in
them.

12. The menus all have Rolling Rock, Black Label, Lone Star and
Old Milwaukee Options.

13. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.

14. The monitor is up on blocks.

15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk, next to the moonshine
still.

16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer, next to the mouth harp.

17. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with
Deuling Banjos playing In the background.

18. Wastebasket is a spittoon.

19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.

20. Autographed picture of the cast from the "Dukes of Hazzard"
on the desk.

 

[compaqman]

and another i thought was good

Year 2000 Safe Program

This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system, which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known
as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so
that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look
at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so
currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.

This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some
employees have begun using the program already. This morning I
walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find
that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical
people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary
said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS
before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she
admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually
looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss
MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS.
Upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and
we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection
will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will
encompass all information associated with the business. As you
begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in
MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and
say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our
employee can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of
MYASS."

 

[b3rt_d4ni3l]

I found this one:

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

No offense to all the programmers. I am trying to be one myself.

 

[INTELCRAZY]

Microsoft Car

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the

computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull ove r to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protect ion fault" warning light.

8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

 

[b3rt_d4ni3l]

Another one I found, Computer Dictionary:

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.

Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.

Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.

Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.

Buffer: The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which most computer store salespeople are qualified.

Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're getting real value for your money.

CD-ROM: A $30 dollar mechanism in a $300 cabinet that accesses vast quantities of valuable information too slowly to use.

Copy protection: A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.44MB to 2.88MB, etc.).

CP/M: An antiquated operation system from the early days of computing, based on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward conventions, such as 11-character limits on filenames. Contrasted with today's modern versions of DOS.

Database, flat-file: A program selling for under $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Database, relational/programmable: A program selling for over $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Debugging: The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.

Downward compatibility: You really didn't have to spend the money for the upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.

End User: One born every minute.

Entry level: Only slightly above most users' heads.

Expanded memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.

Expansion slot: The computer didn't come with everything you needed.

Extended memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.

FAX: Originally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza place around the corner.

Firmware: Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.

Icon: One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have put it, "He who steals my trash better have a large purse.

Installation routine: A process employed by many applications to overwrite and thereby trash the user's existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files

Interface, character-based: A way of presenting information to the user that's every bit as good as a user interface except in the areas of readability, ease of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.

Interface, graphic user (GUI): An increasingly popular way of presenting information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full Employment Act.

Laptop: A dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy LCD screen, all with bad battery life.

Live links: A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of separate files at the same time.

Low-bandwidth: The process of talking to a corporate press relations official. (Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: We'll have to get back to you on that.)

Nanosecond: The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk to start making a sound like a monkey wrench in a blender.

NiCad battery: A cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three solid hours of work, then dies before you're ready to save any of it to disk.

Open system: Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you crash, each vendor can blame the others.

Optional: It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department ran 1-2-3 and figured they'd double their profits this way.

Parity: A ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.

Partition: A wall you have to build around a noisy dot matrix printer that makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.

Point-and-shoot: You mean you'd rather click on a menu choice than have to type things like DEVICE=\DOS\UTS\DRIVER.SYS /D:0 /T:80 /S:15 /H:2 /F:1 ?

Power Surge: What an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own database.

Power user: Someone who's read the manual all the way through once.

Productivity: Printing out 30 different versions of your document before getting the spacing correct.

Real-time clock: A 50-dollar option based on a five-cent chip.

SAA: Silly And Awkward.

Shell: A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get anything done instead of typing a simple three-character command.

Shock-mounted: Make sure you're sitting down when you ask the price.

Spreadsheet: Sophisticated software that can be used as a database, rudimentary word processor, graphing program, and, in a pinch, a ledger.

Stack: The place in the corner of the room where you pile unopened software manuals.

Standard: Manufactured by the company that does the flashiest advertising.

Support: Fast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any user who happens to work for any company that bought 1,000 copies of the product.

Throughput: What you feel like doing with your foot and your computer screen after you see the message "General Failure Error Reading Drive C:".

Toll-free hotline: An AT&T busy-signal test number.

Toner cartridge: A device to refill laser printers; invented by the Association of American Dry Cleaners.

Torture test: Everyone - from the FedEx guy to the clerk who opened the box to the trainee who executed the speed test - accidentally dropped it.

Tutorial: A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.

Unix, year of: See Calendar, perpetual.

Value-added: A lot more expensive.

Virus: Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.

Workstation: Any PC that sells for more than $10,000.

XT: All the computer that most users who just type letters and run typical spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text a whole tenth of a second faster.