"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."
"
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors."
"If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it ?"
"RAM /abr./: Rarely Adequate Memory."
"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."
"There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won't solve."
"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"
"Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software."
"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
"Why would anyone ever turn off their computer ?
- During the winter my computer doubles as an extra radiator.
- Cooling fans generate white noise, which helps me get to sleep.
- Who has time for boot sequences?
- As long as the computer is running, it's not broken.
- Computer doubles as a power failure notification device.
- Can claim CPU cycles donated to SETI@home, folding@home et al, as charitable donations on my income taxes.
- Somebody might say something important on IRC.
- Too difficult to find power switch with eye crust.
- When computer is off, it is no longer protected by the firewall."
"Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everythings going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end."
"Program /n./
1. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
2. An exercise in experimental epistemology.
3. A form of art, ostensibly intended for the instruction of computers, which is nevertheless almost inevitably a failure if other programmers can't understand it."
"
Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects."
Wow, that's long